The night I spent as Gods assistant By r.e. bertlow

The night I spent as Gods assistant

By r.e. bertlow

I went to bed the other night and fell fast a sleep. It had been a long difficult day. Anything that could go wrong had gone wrong. I was having a good dream. The one where Sam is working full time and we can afford to buy things again. Anyway I’m in the middle of this wonderful dream when I hear this Te-ed and feel this wind across my ear. I Swipe my hand in the general direction of the air and then grab my pillow a little tighter and try to settle back into the dream I was having.. Just as I’m sipping cocktails by the pool as the Pool boy cleans the pool ( another thing that went by the way side when Sam lost his job.)

 I hear it again this time a bit louder Te-ee-ed! And the Swoosh of air across my ear. I brushed it away and said Sam would you  please stop it. The I heard a loud TED! and Felt a Large Cold Swoosh against the Side of my head. Almost like having a bucket of Ice water thrown on my head. I bolted up saying What the Hell are you Doing Sam, I looked down at Him and he is sound asleep.

Focus I heard, then , over here Ted. I turned to  my right towards the French doors and there was this handsome, handsome man with wings. I rubbed my eyes and heard “Done wasting my time?” Ted God wants to see you. He sent me to fetch you. I asked if I was being called home ? Well Yes but not the way you think… Oh he said my name is Roger by the way. He stuck out his hand extending it towards mine to shake. We shook hands and  Roger continued. As I was saying God wants to see you but, no you are not dying. He just needs your help for tonight. His regular guy Stan wasn’t feeling well and you’re the next substitute on the list. Substitute? What are you talking about?.

Well, Roger said, Stan usually helps God with some of the odds and ends of human’s day to day lives. In the event that Stan is sick and can’t help God that night or is on vacation a mortal is selected to take his place for the night. It’s all very random. Then why me I asked? Roger leaned in and said well…you were randomly selected from a pool of many. That, and God specifically asked for you. But why me? I asked again. Roger leaned back in a reclining position and with his legs crossed and his arms folded he shrugged his shoulders and with a slight head toss he said who knows? In a flippant manner. The he leaned in and his head became extremely large and caricature like and he said in a very matter of fact but stern tone. : You can be sure that if God specifically requested you there is a  reason I’m just not privy to it. Then Roger drew back shrinking back to normal and as he did he clapped his hand together saying Chop, Chop let go you don’t Keep him waiting.

The next thing I am aware of is that I’m sitting next to God in a room filled with the most gorgeous me I’d ever seen. .Some paired up some not. Welcome Ted, how are you this evening. Fine I answered. Good, Good God said I trust  Roger made your journey hear Swift? God  then tilted his head back and gave a little laugh. Your probably wondering why I chose you to help me to night?.. I said that yes I was just a bit curious?. God looked at me. (He had move from where he had been and was a little further away and a little higher up) and said very matter of factl ” come on lets go. much to be done. to night. With that he took my hand and off we went into the night. He handed me a bag and Said hold on to this we will need it. I looked into the bag and there inside were diamonds. I looked at God with a quizzical look on my face. I asked God why we needed Diamonds? He explained to me that people had stopped believing in him and he had to play cash up front for many of the services and help that I use. Really I said in shock and dismay. Unfortunately people forget. They have learned not to trust anymore. People have become jaded so it has become cash and carry.

What is it we are going to be doing? God glanced back at me casually  as we flew through the night and said restoration of faith. Oh Great  I thought to myself here we go to Oklahoma. God turned around looking at me sternly,  saying  were going to San Francisco Smart Ass, specifically the Castro. There is a new Start up Church that needs an infusion of the Holy Spirit. I looked at God with what must have been a look of astonishment on my face. So I Said you do accept gay people? Of course he said Didn’t you know that? My sons gay and I am Intersexed.. Really I said with Amazement. Hello he said I gave Birth to Adam, Eve and Jezabel. Oh My Self he said looking at me with exasperation…. Anywho, we have some other stops to make along the way. As we traveled we used the diamonds as currency mostly when we were dealing with heterosexual who were conservative. 

As we traveled across nations and continents God told me of Each of his four children Adam, Jezabel (who was also intersexed.) and Eve. He explained that Adam just as Jesus was Gay and Eve was Actually a Lesbian. He told me that they Agreed to have Chldren for Gods sake. God said he had intended for the population to be 25 percent gay, 25 percent lesbian, 25 percent 10 percent bisexual he actually said “pick a side for Christ sake: and 15 percent transgender and intersex. He went on to say that the  fanatical religious right heterosexuals (he rolled his eyes upward and said thank you Catholic church)  decided to bread like rabbits on a seven year cycle. And then you know I go and have Noah give the clean sweep , which by the way there were actually for of every thing one gay couple one lesbian couple. Noah was a good man but a good man to a fault he and Dan felt sorry for a straight couple that he and Dan were friends with, Yes Noah was gay his wife in the bible actually he said with a disgusted look on his face “The bible don’t get me started suffice it to say Noah was gay Dan was Noah’s husband. Noah’s So Called wife ( God made Air quotes when he said this) Lesbian , her wife was on the boat as well. I digress he said, Where I was going with this is that Noah and Dan bless there little hearts, Myself don’t even get me started on the south they totally ripped me off on that phrase. God said then continued on. Anywho he said Noah and Dan felt sorry for this Straight couple that they were friends with and snuck them on the boat. It’s hard to be made at someone who’s heart is in the right place so I told Noah if they cause any trouble you only have yourself to blame. I wash my hands of them.

It was amazing God was talking to me as if we where these old friends and we were just catching up after time apart.  As we made our way I began to notice that we were showing up where event and marches for equality were taking place. Standing along side ministers as they stood up for justices and equality. peace and hope. We witnessed gay marriages and commitment  ceremonies. We were by bed sides as husbands said god by to husbands and wives said good by to wives for the very last time, sharing their grief with them welcoming their spouse home. Then it was off once again through the night sky.

God was a real chatter box he never talked about himself much though. He said that the Jews think that they are the chosen ones because of Jesus and all but he said it’s not what they think  The chosen ones are the LGT and then he said very flippant notice theirs no be in there/ I said Yes. He looked back at me and said Ya well Pick a side. I said well that’s rather harsh don’t you think? Ya both my sons would agree with you on that one. My Daughters there kind of with me on this one especially Eve Man she’s more militant then I am about it don’t even get her started. Whoa. God shook his head as if to indicate that it wouldn’t be pretty, he went on to Say … I keep telling her  While I see and agree with her point I don’t like ugly and I won’t have her acting like a prig about it.

Jesus, Jesus is a lot more like Noah is. You know if it hadn’t been for Jesus I hate to say it But rest my soul the boy is going to drive me crazy with his total tolerance off all. Children do really change you he said then sternly added that joke about freezing children because you can’t finish one. I got a scared look on my face. Who knew that joke would come back to bite me in the butt in a big way, I was sweating bullets as God looked at me and kept me hanging then Gave me two thumbs up and said killer dude. We high fived. He went back to talking about Jesus and how Jesus was a lot like Noah very patient forgiving and, kind, I just wish he would find a good man and settle down. Some times he is like a teenage Girls This week this ones dreamy the next week that ones dreamy. I looked at God and Said Who uses dreamy anymore? He shrugged his shoulders and said Apparently Jesus.

The Sun was coming up as we made our last stop in San Francisco. My Bag of Diamonds still pretty much full as most of the places we stopped to help were with in LGBT communities and the desire to have faith in God is strong.

As we made our last stop in a little basement apartment in the Castro. A woman was praying to God. In Silent pray she kneeled next to her bed. I could hear her prayer as if she were reading it out loud. She was giving thanks for the opportunity to serve as on of Gods Servants, Thanks for the new person that showed up to last Sundays service. Thanks for those that help set up and take down chairs and other items before and after Sunday Service. As this young pastor kneel and pray she pray prayers of gratitude and forgiveness. She made vows to become a better servant and admitted she failed at that task at times. I looked at God and a tear well up in his eye and he gently leaned down and surrounded the young priest enfolding her in his arms and gently placing a kiss on her forehead like a parent does to a child. He drew away and a smile came across her face as she said Amen. God turned to me and said this young Priest believes with all of her heart and every fiber of her being that she is doing the right thing. That her work is good work. She is right . God said to me hand me the bag. I did. He took my had and said Follow me as we jetted off  we headed for the store front that the priest and her small congregation rented. As we entered the sectioned off office area God found the collection plate and opened the bag over it and as the diamond fell from the bag the turned to checks, bills and, coins. He said the woman has been patient when others couldn’t be. She kept faith when others started to loose theirs. And believed when all she had was prayer. She has kept this small congregation together for five years now and every chance I get I like to give her and her congregation a little help for all the good work they do

God looked at his watch then at me and said we have to get you home. We left the building and headed back to my place. Sam was Sound asleep in our Bed one of the dogs  curled up beside him on the bed stirred looking up and God an I as we entered the room. God gave him a nod and said Hey Couse. The Dog returned the sentiment.

before I knew it I was back in my bed sound asleep dreaming of sitting around the pool with Sam Grateful for what we have and our life together.


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